I had so many plans for my evening. As an office worker, I get the privilege of coming home to a few hours which are mine to fill. A busy day at Pantry, taking care of Dad, taking care of the house and myself ( a chore in itself ), and making sure things get accomplished, bills paid, tasks checked off the list – all of it together does get overwhelming even though many people think my life is easy. After all, I only work part time, because taking care of an elderly person is super easy and never stresses you out. Unless you are related to that elderly person. In which case it’s super stressful.

I’m fortunate enough to live 10 miles from work and Dad’s dialysis. I came home after dropping him off because I left my phone at home. So, while I was here, I decided to make a pizza. I enjoyed that in front of the TV. DCI Banks was just winding up it’s last season on Amazon Prime. I had enough pizza for lunch and then some for dinner.

Got home from work and made Dad dinner then ate myself. As an adult, pizza affects me differently. Used to, pizza was just one of those things I can eat and then eat more of later. Now, ten minutes after I eat it, I’m asleep. So my evening hours which are so precious to me – Yeah. I slept through them.

There were so many promises of adulthood. Grownups have more fun. They get to play adult games. Take vacations. Drink. All lies. Most adults I know hurry home so they can get back in bed. Adulting is hard.



So, I guess I’ll begin with a confession. I’m a negative person. I grew up with negative people. I find them everywhere all around me. But now, now I work in an area where people go out of their way to be positive. One reason for that is, in the food pantry, we see a lot of terrible things. Domestic violence, people who can’t seem to escape whatever it is that is haunting them, or those who just simply can’t get a break. Secondly, and possibly most importantly, those who work with me are all happy, cheerful people who work hard everyday at helping others. It’s hard to do any of that when you’re down in the dumps.

So there’s me, I’m the negative Nancy but I try to keep it hidden. I don’t always succeed. I find myself going on silent rants inside my mind that really were a huge waste of time and creativity. So I’m trying to be better. Some days I succeed. Some days I’m Nancy.

But it is hard to basically go against your personality. I’m a melancholy, for those who know the reference to that. It’s natural for me to be blue, down in the dumps. My childhood hero was Eyore. Even though he was always depressed, he was always invited everywhere and participated in so many things that didn’t always work out but he was always around people.

Anyone who has ever been a caregiver knows that caring for anyone means spending a lot of time on your own. Even when I wasn’t alone, it wasn’t as if I was with someone. Old people sleep a lot, usually in front of a blaring TV that is on some objectionable channel. However, if you try to change the channel while they’re sleeping …

Working at the pantry is always busy. There’s always something happen and it’s exciting and busy. So why do I want to quit? Maybe because I’ve been a caregiver for so long that it seems like another planet some days. I can barely keep up. But it is a place that has forced me to change, grow and become something else. Something other than Negative Nancy.

Despite all of that, there are days when Nancy wins. I try to make those times more and more infrequent.